Nice one minute, mean the next?

One of the difficult things about living with a verbal abuser is that they seem to be two different people -- nice one minute and mean the next. Whether this is calculated or not, the effect is to throw you off balance. After a while you feel that you are walking on egg shells, because you don't know which of the two characters will show up. You don't know what will set the dark character off, and may have been told that something you say or do, or don't say or don't do, is the cause. Don't believe it!

We all get stressed and have a stress reaction from time to time. That's human. But think about how often this happens for the person who is being mean to you. Does the person seem to be aware that the behavior might be out of line?

Many abusers could be considered to be narcissistic or have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I'm not an expert on this, but I can tell that you getting information has been helpful for me and for others. There are many good websites and postings about narcissism and NPD. I found them by entering search terms like "married to a narcissist." The information I found started to help me make sense of the bizzare world I felt I was living in.

Another helpful resource is a book titled "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. This book helped me to understand how I got to where I was and what to do about it. If you are feeling oppressed by someone in your life, I would encourage you to learn more about what might be going on and find some support. You really need it, and it helps.