Nice one minute, mean the next?

One of the difficult things about living with a verbal abuser is that they seem to be two different people -- nice one minute and mean the next. Whether this is calculated or not, the effect is to throw you off balance. After a while you feel that you are walking on egg shells, because you don't know which of the two characters will show up. You don't know what will set the dark character off, and may have been told that something you say or do, or don't say or don't do, is the cause. Don't believe it!

We all get stressed and have a stress reaction from time to time. That's human. But think about how often this happens for the person who is being mean to you. Does the person seem to be aware that the behavior might be out of line?

Many abusers could be considered to be narcissistic or have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I'm not an expert on this, but I can tell that you getting information has been helpful for me and for others. There are many good websites and postings about narcissism and NPD. I found them by entering search terms like "married to a narcissist." The information I found started to help me make sense of the bizzare world I felt I was living in.

Another helpful resource is a book titled "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. This book helped me to understand how I got to where I was and what to do about it. If you are feeling oppressed by someone in your life, I would encourage you to learn more about what might be going on and find some support. You really need it, and it helps.

Does Someone Put You Down?

Does someone you love and trust put you down? It's confusing, isn't it? I don't know your circumstances, but this is probably verbal abuse and it's wrong. There are many of us out there who have been where you are. Many of us are still there. How do you get out of the nightmare? The advice I've been given is: as quickly as possible. Easier said than done, though.

A good friend of mine has observed that I have a tendancy to take life as it comes -- a good thing in some ways. But that depends upon what you are taking, doesn't it? I do believe that life will unfold whether we do any particular thing or not. But it might be that if we are being verbally abused and we are letting life unfold, we are in victim mode.

One of the things we can do for ourselves is to Act on the World. By this I mean that we can take one active step that we might not otherwise take. I am trying to do this now. I try to do little things, like if I call someone and ask for a call back, I set a time deadline (sometimes I share this deadline, sometimes I don't). If the person doesn't return my call, I call them again. This might seem like a little thing, but it's learning to find your voice, one baby step at a time.

If you feel put down or taken advantage of by someone you care for, please think about joining with someone who can support you in acting on this situation. I started this blog to help women find their voices. If you are being abused, it might be a source of support for you.